Jenn Martinelli Blogging in Boston

Because you are sitting in a cafe obsessively flipping it opened and closed every goddamn second for the entire time I have been sitting 20 feet away from you.

Seriously, if I were the people at the table with you I would fucking punch you in the mouth. The noise is super distracting to me and I have headphones on with music blaring.

You really are an utter hipster douchebag. So congratulations. I wish you years of happiness with your fucking skinny jeans, knit hat worn in all seasons, goddamn euro-trash scarf and fucking metal studded belt on your aforementioned fucking skinny jeans.

I promised to "post it to my weblog" but have since realized that I was going just a teensy bit overboard, so I can't just post my thoughts at the time without a qualification that I realize that I was seriously over-generalizing and making not all that much sense. People such as my parents should not be insulted by this please. It made sense to me at the time. I thought it had some basis in reality.

In any case, I'm pretty sure most readers would find it entertaining, so here it is, to the best of my recollection:

Me: You know what? It's time for the last generation to retire and let our generation fucking take over. They don't know what the hell they're doing.

Rob: Are you sure you want to make that statement? You think our generation is more qualified?

Me: Yes! Our generation is the only one who knows what the fuck they are doing. We are better than people in the generation ahead and the generation behind us.

Rob: (laughing openly) Really? You're saying that everyone in our generation is better than everyone in the generation before or after?

Me: I'm not saying they're perfect but yes. We are all better than our parents' generation or the douchebag kids graduating from college right now. Our parents' generation doesn't know how the hell to use any technology anything and all have sticks up their asses and can't do shit. The kids behind us are apathetic assholes who would shoot their own mom in the face for five dollars.

Rob: I think you may want to rethink these statements.

Me: I'm posting this on my weblog. You'll see.

Rob: (again, laughing at me) You go ahead. I'm sure you will.

You're welcome, folks. You're welcome.

Dear owner of a car with MA license number 48H A85, when you see a RED LIGHT and you are driving your car, you should STOP AT THE STOP LINE, not drive right through it, and a crosswalk, where I am walking with my dog (my old dog who doesn't move very well). Luckily for you, you didn't hit my dog because if you did I would have to fucking kill you.

Fuck you very much. I hope you enjoyed your Red Sox game you stupid bitch.

Because I'm like totally going to like lose my mind if I have to like hear troupes of college girls using like 37 times in like every sentence they like say like you know? Like seriously!

I received this beeeyoooootiful email just now:

i have seen the item you have put up for sale,and i am interested in buying the item..but i need to know if the image you have displayed is the real image of the item you want to sell.and let me see the picture. Hope to read from you

Thanks, Dr james

Well, "Dr. james", since I have not posted an image I guess your scam would probably work better, whatever it is and however you plan to implement it, if you made anything close to sense in your email.

Here's another recent beauty:

Thanks for getting back to me asap,i will like to purchase this item for my cousin in oversea...i'm buying the item for my cousin as a compensation gift in oversea. i will be offer you $550 for the item and $150 for shipping cost... item is to be shipped directly from you to my cousin address at abroad via Usps Express Mail Service (EMS).So kindly get back to me with your paypal email address to proceed with the transaction because paypal is the most secured and fastest for online payment..

Um, no. Honestly, I'm not sure how these people are planning to try to screw me out of money or the item I'm selling because their emails are so bizarre and because I obviously do not respond to them, but they could put a little more effort in. I mean, these aren't even as good as the Nigerian Prince scam! Come on folks, step up your game!

Do you know what phrase I am so sick of hearing and reading everywhere?

B-A-B-Y B-U-M-P.

I'm sure some fucking genius of a gossip columnist or whatever is congratulating themselves on this fucking awesome turn of phrase but it makes me want to strangle somebody.

I can't even bear to go on anymore because even talking about how much I hate it makes me upset because I have to think about it.

It's just a stupid stupid phrase that I wish would go away and never come back.

I'm going to say something controversial and shocking now. I know, you're all very surprised. Like this blog isn't just basically a place for me to complain and call people assholes.

Anyway, I have a huge problem with the following: people tying their dogs up to a random lightpost/parking meter, etc. outside while they go into some building to do whatever. I always have a problem with this, but it's much worse in the winter. Last night we were walking to Borders and we went past an Irish Setter curled up tightly on the freezing cold sidewalk (it was in the 20's) on Charles Street, I'm sure very cold and upset.

This goes along with my problem with people thinking it's fine to let their dogs go off-leash in the city. I don't know how you can care so little about your dog, and/or be so stupid as to think your dog actually understands everything going on around them, that you think this kind of behavior is OK.

Would you tie your child to a post and walk away? Probably not. Why is it OK to do it with your dog? The correct answer is it's not. First and foremost, I know you think you're doing the dog some great service because it gets to go with you on whatever errand you're running, but you don't know what's going through your dog's head while you're at the dry-cleaners or Starbucks or the grocery store or wherever you decided to go. It could actually be a very stressful event for them.

Also, how do you know what your dog will do if another dog comes by? And, what if someone decides to steal your dog? Would you like that? Probably not. Then why are you doing something so stupid and thoughtless? Better yet, what if someone decides to kick your dog or throw things at your dog or let your dog loose just to see what happens? What kind of a selfish jerk leaves their defenseless pet at the mercy of strangers while they browse around Dean and DeLuca's? Apparently just the kind of selfish jerks that abound on Beacon Hill.

Maybe next time I'll just steal your dog. It will all turn out well for him/her. S/he will get to sleep on the bed under the covers, have a treat every time I leave the apartment, and basically rule the roost. And S/he'll never be abandoned in the cold again.

Seriously, you are a total ass-hat if you do this.

Here's a little equation for you:

(7:30pm Sunday night) + (all our laundry is dirty) + (change machine at the laundromat not working) + (change machine at farther away laundromat only takes $5 and $1 bills) + (approx. 75% of the dryers at the laundromat working correctly) = ANGRY JENN. JENN SMASH.

I did all of the following:

1. cried
2. swore loudly while throwing laundry from one dryer into another (multiple times)
3. hit a dryer with the flat of my palm too hard
4. jammed my thumb trying to hit a button too hard that wasn't working
5. scared other laundromat patrons

That's all.

Just before dinner I had the most annoying trip to the store ever.

I had to run to Whole Foods and CVS to get:

Whole Foods

• salad
• marinade

CVS

• soda
• cash back for laundry

When I came home I told robreed and Heather Rose about it and I didn't even remember all the relevant details.

First, right around the corner from Whole Foods, (at Charles River Plaza) some car pulled over on Cambridge Street in an illegal spot and a chick jumped out, called back to the driver, "I'll be right back!" and darted in front of me too close not to be rude, and ran to the store.

So then I go in the store, get salad from the salad bar and pick out a marinade to make the chicken we're having. I walk over to the checkout and am literally already getting in a line when some chick just walks in front of me and plunks her crap down and proceeds to check out.

The reason she was doing it was the line she went to first had just closed. But guess what? Doesn't matter rude bitch, I was already in line. But I had my iPod on and didn't feel like dealing with a confrontation so I just walked to another line. Of course, I made one of my classic crazy faces and mouthed the words fucking bitch obnoxiously but she didn't see me. The best part? She was that stupid chick who was going to be "right back". Also, what was she buying? A bundle of firewood. And if that's all she was buying and she was supposed to be in and out so fast I don't know why she barely beat me to the checkout since I didn't run and got two things not particularly quickly. Whatever.

Then I went to CVS where I was annoyed as hell by the state of the line. There's this somewhat recent phenomenon I've noticed where if there are multiple registers open at places like CVS, fast food restaurants, etc., people refuse to pick a line and just jumble up in a big mess as if they're trying to make one big line so the first person in that line can just go to the next register that opens. Only that causes more problems than it solves because there's no room for it most of the time (if there is, then the store already has a clearly roped off area where you wait in an orderly line) so people are all standing in the aisles and blocking them, and you can't really tell who is where in line, etc. It makes me so angry. A lot of times I refuse to participate and will just walk right up to an open register, skipping the made up line. But for some reason I didn't do that so I had to wait in the stupid made up line and it was a mess and I wanted to kill everyone. Oh, and of course they have 2 self check-out lines there but both of the registers were closed.

While I was waiting to cross the street on my way home there was some car sauntering through the intersection so slowly and in no lane and I couldn't tell if he even saw me or what he was doing. At this point I said out loud, "hurry the fuck up you're a goddamn car". Still have my ipod on so I'm sure other pedestrians think I'm crazy. I probably said it too loud.

Then, around the corner from my apartment, I see this lady who lives in my neighborhood and her dog, and she's letting the dog pee on a bike that someone has, apparently foolishly, locked to a parking meter. WTF lady? I know I was making all sorts of crazy faces then. I actually wish I said something to her because I just can't take people's stupidity anymore.

I'm done with oblivious, careless, stupid, ridiculous people. Seriously. It's inexcusable. By the way, this lady is someone who's constantly outraged about everything going on around Beacon Hill except, apparently, the ridiculous things she chooses to do, like pee on people's bikes.

There is almost nothing I hate more on the web than seeing those ridiculous adds by lower my bills dot com (I refuse to link to them) with the stupid terrible dancing cartoon-y people that run in an endless loop and make me want to stab my eyes out.

Why on earth would I ever get a mortgage from these people? I'd rather eat my own liver.