Posts

Regarding a professional basketball team Mr. Burns just won in a poker game:

If they're acting sluggish, just slip some steroids into their cocaine. - Texan

Homer's reaction to hearing that all the bees in the world are dying:

Oh no, no more bees? Now who will sting me and walk all over my sandwiches? - Homer

Apparently on 60 Minutes (which Tivo recorded instead of The Amazing Race thanks to fucking football) Andy Rooney recommended taking a roll from a restaurant and shoving it in his pocket to have at breakfast the next morning. Hey, I give him credit for other things like taking the bus to and from Giants games instead of driving, etc., but seriously - shoving rolls in your pockets? Come on.

And Tivo! And Comcast! Can you fucking figure out how to schedule your programming appropriately so I don't keep missing 30 minutes or more of The Amazing Race?

Can we please discuss how on the stupid cartoon "Back at the Barnyard" on Nickelodeon, there is a COW with UDDERS who is apparently a boy? OK. Seriously, let's confuse the fuck out of kids. Male "cows" are actually bulls and they don't have udders. Thanks.

Also, just a few minutes ago we saw a commercial for some stupid toy that depicts people and dinosaurs as being around at the same time. In addition, apparently when people and dinosaurs were alive at the same time, a child could easily put a T-Rex in a small basket and pull it up into a treehouse with a rope.

What the fuck, seriously.

We are watching this random show on Discovery HD called "Time Warp". The deal is, they take video of interesting things and then slow it way way down and show you what happens. Right now there is a guy juggling. First of al, juggling is crazy and I can't do it. Second, this guy is juggling chainsaws. No thank you!

Oh my God. Rob and I watched the episode of this show called Domestic Diva last night and this stupid crazy-ass bitch needs a kick in the teeth!

Seriously, she is pretty much unwatchable. I don't know how she has any friends. She's intolerable. I can't believe that in the end she somehow winds up getting the condo she wants.

Important note: this show apparently takes place in Canada which is why everything seems so wicked freaking cheap... especially to us poor souls in the Boston area.

Seriously, have you listened to his commentary on the Olympics so far?

Lucky for me, fair readers, I have also suffered through years and years of his commentary on the televised coverage of the Tour de France.

He was making me murderously angry last night during the gymnastics coverage we were watching. It could have even been Tivo'd, I'm not actually sure when it was on, but it was during the tie-breaker controversy with Liukin and He Kexin.

First of all, we'll ignore the fact that all the Chinese women's gymnasts except for one are about 11 years old. Very fair China. Thanks for hosting this great event in your wonderful country and being so hospitable and also CHEATING.

Anyway, Al was going on and on about how complicated the tie-breaking procedure is. He wouldn't stop. Turns out the "complicated" process is that the next lowest score is dropped from each contestant's scores. Sounds pretty simple, Al.

One of the commentators who knows what the fuck he was talking about was trying to make a more useful point and Al jumped in, interrupting him to blather about tie-breaking some more. I wanted to stab my eardrums with a pen.

I hate you and I hate your stupid sons and the fact that now I have to look at them on your dumb commercials. I hate your dumb jingle and your stupid logo and your stupid name.

I wouldn't buy furniture from you if it cost $5 and was made out of diamonds.

I feel like that's probably something I'll find myself saying a lot in general.

Oh, Homer, if only people had taken your example and thought twice about getting Lasik eye surgery.

I'm glad I never did this.